When I passed the market, I got a bit surprised when it was not so crowded as usual. I slowed down my bike when my eyes were caught by the view of a small open box truck that has fresh colorful flowers on it. Most of them are daisies. White, yellow, red, and pink ones. The photographer-wannabe feeling suddenly arouse. But it faded out when I see the look of the driver's truck. So reluctantly I continue my journey, watched from my side mirror, the truck slowly slide behind me.
I had stopped at red traffic light. Around me I saw people who are getting rush to work, of course all them were neat their office dresses or uniforms. Meanwhile, I was wearing my "batik" knee-short and my "ice cream" sweater, absolutely hadn't taken bath yet. I don't know whether work as freelance is an ideal job for other people. Yes, I realize that until now I work as a freelance. I can do my job at home or places that I like to. Sometimes I'm flooded by lots of headlines, yet other times I'm really free with lots of spare times. Or, in brief, in this case, I do not have assurance of future.
There's come across in my mind a television program aired by one of Japan's broadcaster. The program tells about some women, their works and friend which they envy.Almost of them are nearly entering their 30-years old age. First, there is a woman who works in nursery school and write that she envies her friend who newly got married. The scene continues to go to the house of the newlywed couple, take a look at her house and her activities, and later asked who she envies. She envies a single woman with good career. They continue to another prefecture and meet the career woman who still work although she also had gotten married. This woman envies her friends who is still single and do lots of traveling around the world. This 25-years old girl envies her friend which leads a life she likes, lives near a beach, playing guitar and sings, and writes her own songs. And who does this girl envy? She writes "myself". She said that although she envies lots of her friend and she does like her life now, even though she just broke up with her boyfriend.
I reflect on myself. Most of my friends have lead their own life and work in other big cities, other islands or even abroad. Seems for me that all of them have been success with their life. A book editor, a consultant, public relation officer, works with a foreign NGO, a civil servant with assurance of life, further study abroad or even got married and have babies. Whereas, it seems that I'm the one who do not move, even only one step. Sometimes, when life gives me hard time, I envy them, and imagine my ideal life. It makes me hate myself more. But, at the other times, I was blessed with so much happiness. I can enjoy my life as single girl, with lots of interesting things to do, to watch, to listen, to feel. Though not many friends (because now I realize that I'm not kind of person with good skill of relationship with other, where sometimes I hate to go out socializing) I have yet I still can enjoy my solitude. Maybe, that's enough for me now. It just need bit hard work to be like that last girl who envies "myself".
Once again, I lead a small life ...well valuable, but small.
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